“The Hills Law & Order” – Chelsea Lately

My latest appearance on Chelsea Lately as Audrina in “The Hills Law & Order.”

My appearance on Chelsea Lately 2-23-09

Part 1

Part 2

Special Show! The Writers of “Chelsea Lately” at the Hollywood Improv

Date:	Thursday, March 5, 2009
Time:	8:00pm – 10:00pm
Location:	The Hollywood Improv
Street:	8162 Melrose Avenue Los Angeles, CA 90046 (323) 651-2583

Reserve Tickets now! Only $14

Aside from working on “Chelsea Lately”, these comedians have appeared on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, The Lyricist Lounge, G4 TV.com, X-Play, Premium Blend, Carnivale, Ghost Whisperer, VIP Passport, Late Friday, Scrubs, and have performed around the world.

The writers of Chelsea Lately – who are also stand-up comics will entertain you!
With:
Jen Kirkman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heather McDonald

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guy Branum

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brad Wollack

 

 

 

 

Chris Franjola

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dave Hanson

 

and hosted by Brody Stevens!

Twitter

I don’t get it. I think Twitter is where I draw the line with technology. When I first found out about Twitter last year, I wrote a snarky column about it for an online magazine I was working for. I admit, I was just trying to “find an angle” after reading that some kid Twittered that he was contemplating suicide and sent hundreds of friends he’d never met into a panic. 

So, now that I have to whore myself out on everything that begins with www because that’s what comedians think nowadays, I decided to join Twitter. I see that many people are following me – and that’s not to brag – maybe just a little but what are they getting out of it? I barely update. And when I do I feel so much pressure to say something funny in such a short word count. 

I have a hard time following other people on Twitter. I don’t care. So, do I just log on to the page and scroll through updates? I suppose I have to have a reason – like a follow a live-baseball-game Twitter session or a live surgery. I don’t use Twitter on my ‘handheld device’ because my handheld device is usually at the bottom of my purse – ignoring anyone who tries to contact me on it. 

I think this might be where I officially shut down and don’t want to learn any more new and hip technology. Obviously if I have to use a computer to breathe in the future, I’ll have my friend’s grandchildren show me how. But I’m not having fun on Twitter. 

I’m not one of those comics who is complaining that coffee is too expensive and everyone has a reality show. I’m not going to go as far as saying I’d rather actually TALK to people rather than type to them, I wouldn’t. 

I’m watching Keith Olbermann right now and he’s talking to someone about Newt Gingrich’s Twitter action from last night. I feel overwhelmed. There are too many people communicating all at once. Too much information is swirling around at all times. I don’t like when the adults are in on social networking – especially politicians who are Twittering during a presidential speech? It’s the equivalent of holding a transistor radio or a Watchman to watch a football game – remember those old sight gags from 1980’s sitcoms? 

Anyway, I’ll blog. I’ll Facebook Fan Page. I’ll Myspace. But I’m bad at Twitter.

I’m also bad at accepting mean comments on my WordPress blog about how I suck and am not funny. So, like Twitter, I plan to avoid those as well.

Is This Real Life?

“Is This Real Life?”  – originally published on PopRockCandyMountain

“Is This Real Life?” No, David After Dentist, this is not real life! You are on You Tube. On Drugs. You are a kid. Your dad is taping you. You are now an internet sensation. You will probably get a development deal (they don’t give those out in Hollywood anymore, unless you make a funny 90 second video on the internet.)

Like all of you, I watched this video over and over again and I laughed and laughed. I called my co-workers over to my desk and watched them watching it and we laughed and laughed.

This kid has “it.” If you took a hundred kids who are just coming down off of dentist-induced-dope, I bet only 1% of them will be as intriguing as David. (And by the way, my prediction is that there will be a million copy cat videos on the net. Lots of messed up parents out there, video cameras poised and ready, will be begging their dentist, “Are you sure Jimmy doesn’t need a tooth extracted?”) Not every person on drugs suddenly wants to understand the meaning of life. Some people just fall asleep, throw up, or watch a Golden Girls marathon. It’s not just that he’s high on drugs (by the way, what drug was that?) – he asks intelligent questions while high on drugs. IS this REAL life? As far as we know. I don’t suppose any of us can prove that this is REAL LIFE. What is real life? Will he feel this way forever? Now, that’s an interesting question, little David.

Unfortunately David, you won’t feel like that forever. It’s not every day that you are in oblivion and bliss and it’s legal. It’s not every day that you’re going to have millions of people lovingly laughing at you on You Tube. It’s not every day that your dad is going to be happy that drugs made you feel ’so good.’ But you’ll want this feeling again. You’ll say, “Even though I was confused, I feel like I loved sitting in the backseat of that car announcing that I had two fingers. My dad gave me attention that day. The world gave me attention that day and all I had to do was scream, ask questions and nod off.”

Maybe because your dad took a private moment where you had no judgment (but he did!) and put it on the internet, you’ll crave that kind of attention. Maybe you’ll fake a sports injury to get some of that Vicodin you’ve heard so much about. Maybe you’ll quit the sports team and join up with the theatre kids and then worse, the kids who write poetry for the high school paper. Then maybe you’ll decide to skip college and run off to Hollywood because millions of people watched you on the internet in ONE day back in 2009. That’s more people than watch The Tonight Show!

But you’ll be no good to anyone all sober and boring. You’ll realize how close Mexico is to Los Angeles and that they don’t need no silly prescription in order to hand over the tranquilizers. You will have an addiction. You’d be the perfect candidate for Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew but you never became a celebrity. You never had the chance. (Although if the show continues to scrap the bottom of the barrel for celebrities, perhaps someone who had a popular You Tube video as a kid will qualify.)

Your whole life will go down the toilet all because your dad couldn’t leave a private moment alone, all because your dad reinforced into your 7-year-old moldable brain that you are funny when you are fucked up.

Of course, little David, I hope this doesn’t happen. I hope your dad puts down the camera and millions of other parents stop putting their kids, unwillingly on tape and then uploading them. This goes for you too, you weirdo’s on The Bachelor who take your toddlers on your “dates.”
Now, I’m not trying to get all serious about a little, fun, innocent family video. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have had a column for this week.

Strangers Bearing Gifts

I think I don’t understand the concept of a wedding registry. Obviously, I do understand it. I invite people to my wedding, they wonder what to buy me for a gift, they log on to certain stores where I’ve registered and pick out gifts.

But I can’t wait for the wedding. I want the gifts now. And some are not that expensive. Shouldn’t I just buy them now or can I not have a pitcher or a really cool wine opener until August of 2009?

I’ve been announcing on stage to audiences where I’m registered – as a joke. I say, “You don’t have to be invited to get a gift.” The people that frequent the shows I do around Los Angeles are pretty fun and it wouldn’t seem unlikely that they might take me up on it.

And I have to confess…every morning I log on to the registry and…nothing. I know the economy sucks and my ‘fans’ do enough for me by laughing and following what I do. I just had to admit somewhere that what started out as a joke on stage – has turned into at terrible obsession.

My Appearance on Chelsea Lately 01-08-09

In case you missed it live-on-tape on E! – here is my appearance on the roundtable, on Chelsea Lately from January 8th, 2009.

Part 1:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjb5ras-5ms

Part 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HM8bAwOwHGo

My Appearances on Chelsea Lately from 12-09-08

In case you missed me on Chelsea Lately – here are the links that exsist on YouTube!

And “The Hills CSI”

Don’t Ever Read Emails You Wrote at Age 25

When my nana passed away this past spring – my immediate and extended family promptly ransacked her house for goodies. I found a drawer – in her really ornate 1970’s side table – a bunch of “Jen Kirkman” memorabilia…horribly embarassing headshots, newspaper clippings of me on a pony in my childhood and various emails that I had sent my mom, who apparantly printed them and shared with nana.

One such email that I wrote in 2000 caused me to cringe so much I had to be removed from my floor by the jaws of life. My injuries are minor except I have a slight film of douche-bag on me that I’m not sure can be removed anytime soon.

I had a job in the year 2000 that was pretty sweet. I was hired to travel the country in a van but sleep in nice hotels and eat in nice restaurants when not driving in said van. I was with a few producers and other writers. We ate oysters and drank cocktails on Miami Beach, staged a parade in New Orleans and ended up spending 2 weeks in all parts of California, from podunk military towns that wouldn’t let us go to their karaoke nights – to a wild week on the Sunset Strip.

What the hell kind of job is this? It was one of those internet start-up companies. Our bosses, who were not wrong – just too early, knew that the next phase of the internet was watching video. I thought that was absurd since I had a crap laptop and it took so long to download email, I just called people. But I realized that these guys were millionaires for a reason and I was not…for a reason.

We had a web-TV show that was like Road Rules meets The Real World. We pulled stunts and pranks around America while revealing our personal selves and interactions with each other via short web videos and blogs – before they were called blogs.

Obviously, my bosses were right. People do this shit now. But they didn’t then. And after our first round of investments, no one else would sink their money into us and we were all let go over a case of beer one Friday afternoon. I had trouble understanding. When were we let go? Right now? Like, right this second? But, I thought you guys had millions? Oh, you personally do but can’t bankrupt yourselves on a business model that is ahead of it’s time? Should I have been paying attention to all of the news coming out of Wall Street, considering I worked…at a dot-com, on fucking Wall Street????

So, week one of this job – we were all flying high. Promises were being made and smarter people were hoping the promises were real but knowing how business works. I didn’t know how anything worked. So I wrote this email to my mom…(I included only the most cringe parts, which is most of it.) Oh, and the email is titled, “For Those Who Doubt…”

“Hey, well, it turns out the two 27 year olds who run the company are worth three HUNDRED million, not thirty million as previously thought. They are extremely well-known in the web world so their connections are helping out our press. We are pretty sure we are going to get written up (I don’t know if it will be an article or a blurb) in Time Magazine.

For our trip we are getting equipped with cell-phones, laptop computers and a little device, which I guess is a mini laptop but it’s as small as a phone and you can type on it – from even a mountaintop! The GAP is totally going to sponsor us, so we will get free clothes.

Also, it looks pretty good that a better website or even a TV “network” on the web will buy us, which would mean a lot of $$$ for us, as in retiring early. It’s business stuff that I’m not too sure about except that it will mean BIGGER paychecks.

I am not in any way saying this will become a hit web and TV show but this is all about connections, if the show fails we have made definite TV connections so we are totally safe.  I am writing this so you can tell your friends when they say, “Well…I never heard of it.”

If this company were to fail, it would be nearly impossible and only due to a literal disaster like an earthquake or flood…or something else that I don’t even know what. It’s as solid as anything else.

Love, Jen”

CRINGE!!!!!!!!!!

(Chelsea Lately) Facts of Life Reunion Special

I am Jo!