First of all, don’t fear the IRS – even if you owe them. They are nice, nice people. They actually were retrained over the last few years due to the amount of suicides committed over tax debts. So, the people on the other end of the phone are delightful. A woman I talked to yesterday was a little too delightful. The transcript is below:
Me: Hi. I’m calling to make a payment on my 2006 account.
IRS Operator 482397582: Sure. What was your place of employment in 2006?
Me: Lifetime Television.
IRS Operator 482397582: Life and Time? What?
Me: Lifetime Television…for women.
IRS Operator 482397582’s tone of voice changes and I’m not being treated as though I’m Meredith Baxter Birney herself.
IRS Operator 482397582: (squeals) Ohhh! Lifetime? You make movies at Lifetime? I love those movies.
I don’t bother explaining that when I did work there I did not make movies – yet just updated their website.
Me: Yup. That Lifetime. I don’t work there anymore.
IRS Operator 482397582: Aww, you don’t? On to something better? What could be better than those movies?
Me: Anyway, just wanted to know if I can make a payment over the phone?
IRS Operator 482397582: (giggling to herself) I love curling up and watching those movies with my tissues. Damn, those movies are sad!
Me: Oh. Yes. They are. So, what’s my balance?
IRS Operator 482397582: You know, sometimes I don’t even wait for a rainy day to lay on the couch and watch them.
Me: I know. I know. Listen, can we just forgive this tax debt?
IRS Operator 482397582: If you can get me an autographed headshot of Tracey Gold, post-anorexic that is, I’ll wipe this clean.
That last part did not happen. But I have to tell you even male operators have gushed to me about Lifetime. I can never get off the phone with these people because they want to know all about the made-for-TV-movie making process. Like a parent who does not want you to be a mime, the operators always refused to accept that I worked on the website, far away from the sets and had no inside information on Markie Post.