What Does a Sick Jen Do on a Saturday Night?

It’s me, Jen. It’s Saturday night and I’m still recovering from the flu and from the medication TamiFlu which I think I’m going to compare to chemo – I’ve never had chemo but my sister has.

So, what do I do on a Saturday night? I let my boyfriend go to his friend’s birthday party. I didn’t let him. He doesn’t have to ask me but I would like credit for not insisting he stay home.

Let’s see, I’ve seen the same fifteen minutes of Failure to Launch over and over – the dreaded paintball sequence with lots of Matthew Mc acting cool/childish and SJP screaming and other unknowns having fun to montage music with paintballs. I can’t explain how I’ve seen the same fifteen minutes over and over. It has to do with it being on every channel, with me constantly getting up to get something, sometimes earnestly trying to watch this – hitting pause, changing my mind, letting it run in the background.

I’m thinking that SJP is really skinny and I’m not going to lie to you – I wish I was that skinny. It’s the only way to fit into couture clothing. However, in her forties, that kind of skinny can start to look haggard as our skin loses moisture and elasticity. I should be that kind of skinny now – while my skin is still good. I don’t think I’m going to get my shit together in time. Plus, once I’m thin enough for couture – how will I afford it? I think, like joining Scientology, once I’m in it/thin enough – the couture will come. But I don’t have the will to do either.

I’m realizing that even when I’m home alone and in sweatpants, I still have to wear an awesome big costume jewelry ring that matches what I’m wearing. I’ll always do this. It makes me happy. I wonder if someone did a documentary on me like Grey Gardens or Crazy Love would this detail go unnoticed? If I felt it was going unnoticed how long before I threw it in the face of the documentarian who probably did notice but didn’t think it was film worthy until I started acting insane about it?

I’m still trying to figure out how stressful it must be to have a job where you help men by pretending to date them. I had to mute for a while so I’m not sure if Matthew Mc’s mother played by Kathy Bates is in on the SJP helping her son or not. Who hires the woman to help the man who has failed to launch?

I love Netflix and I love my list and I love ordering movies and then they come and I never want to watch them. And then I mail them back a lot. Just to clarify, Failure to Launch is on TV now. That was not on my Netflix list.

I have some movie about how different cultures interpret religion but I’m not huge on religion right now. I’m not mature enough for it, I’ve decided. I think of God as this all-loving being that also directly pays attention to me and then I get angry when he/she/it doesn’t pay the right kind of attention as in giving me everything that I want or rewarding me for acting more compassionate than others. So right now, I believe in electricity. It’s there if you plug in. That’s as far as I can go.

Maybe, I’ll watch that Molly Shannon movie Year of the Dog. I don’t care if it’s good or bad, my hip joints are burning and my back aches from medication. I’m going to be laying on a hot water bottle soon. Is that what it’s called? I like those more than heating pads. I know I’m not going to watch that movie tonight.

I just took two hits off my inhaler. That’s not code. I have asthma. Let’s see…what else can I do? I made a few lists of good ideas for things to write when I’m better. I’m going to worry about money another time so what else can I do right now…….?

I’m going to sit on the couch – I’m so sick of the couch. I’ve run into my neighbor a total of three times in the last three months. Each time I’ve seen her it’s been on one of the last days of whatever flu I have that week. She seemed to notice that I never seem sick but always say that I am. I know I must seem like ‘that person’ which is why I want to carry around a copy of my doctor’s records just to PROVE to people. I’m not making this up. I’m not a hypochondriac – not even close. It takes me a long time to admit I’m sick.

“Nothing is clear to me. How can I be so blind?” That’s the lyric of the music playing now in Failure to Launch and it’s raining. What did Matthew do wrong? He’s talking to a kid now – no doubt that kid is going to lay down some serious logic and steal our hearts.

I’m headed to the couch. I think I’m going to watch some History Channel. Then I might play a round of Bejeweled on my phone. Maybe I’ll call Neil and remind him to keep his immune system up and not drink too much at the party.


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