I was prepared to go apeshit on the flight to London. It is a long flight. I have over production of adrenoline problems which leads to panic and I have asthma. Panic. Panic. Panic. Especially in new situations.I told Neil that it’s important for me to “act as if” as in…act as if I’m not afraid to fly. It’s not genius psychology but it’s the best that can be done in desparate times.So, I told Neil that if I’m panic-ing to remind me that I need to act as if I am Maddox Jolie-Pitt, that little bad-ass kid with a mohawk who owns this world. He jets to Cambodia on a Tuesday and picnics in France on a Thursday and to him, it’s all the backyard. Me, I didn’t take my training wheels off until I was nine.
Anyway, I took 1.5 mgs of klonopin which if you know anything about klonopin or panic disorder or 9.5 hour flights, that is NOTHING. I took 2 mgs once just to take an elevator to the 40th floor of a building.What I’m saying here is I’m working through my anxiety and can enjoy life. Even as I type this, I have a nagging cough and I can’t breathe. Guess what, if it gets bad enough I’ll wake up Neil who is snoring and we’ll take a taxi to some London hospital. Big whoop. I’m safe in this world. This is huge for me.
Also I’m in London to perform and tape a TV show – that is meaningless and matterless to me because what’s on my mind is panic and death and that trumps doing 15 minutes worth of men/women/shit jokes. But I’m in bliss.THE FLIGHT rocked my socks. The stewardesses were so nice. They all reminded me of Maggie from “Extras”.
I moved to an exit row for take off and felt like I had to act normal in front of the stewardess who was strapped in in front of me and facing me. So, I acted normal. Then I played PONG on the plane computer TV thingy and then read a magazine and then fell asleep. I woke up and the plane was silent and dark and I took 5 pillows and 2 blankets and my stuffed animal and went to the front of the plane and stretched out across five seats and fell asleep for four hours. The nice stewardess woke me and said, “Your boyfriend is worried about you. He thinks you had a freak out.” So, I went back to sit with Neil and the nice stewardess gave me a hot egg and cheese croissant with tea and a freaking chocolate cheesecake.
When I had to get off the plane, I almost cried. 9.5 hours is not enough.I am a world traveller. I am really over this fear of flying crap. Next stop………………somewhere far away (on someone else’s dime. I’m still broke.)