Whenever I get a little tipsy or really over-tired and my subconscious takes over and does the talking, Neil says that I start saying, “I’ll tell ya right now…”
It’s not as harsh as it seems. “I’ll tell ya right now…” can be a showing of support. Like, on Neil’s birthday, one of his friends was a little tipsy and falling asleep. I kept preaching, “Good for him! Let him sleep. It’s healthy. Now we know not to let him drive. I’ll tell ya right now, he’s the only person here with any guts, “I’ll tell ya right now.”
It can also be used when I’m overtired and feeling like only God is on my side and He and I are in the good fight together and unlike a holy entity, I’m a complete dick about it, jumping up to be self-righteous and that’s when I start in the other version which sounds more like, “I’ll tell ya, right now, there should be nothing wrong with throwing rocks at Hummers, they are murderers. I’ll tell ya right now, men start all the wars. I’ll tell ya right now, parents are always to blame when their kids are messed up. Everyone raised in the 1950’s needs therapy – today!”
Which brings me to another saying that I say when I’m running on no sleep and few brain cells…when people I know are not acting in ways that I find appropriate. I complain to Neil that they need professional help or even free professional help in the form of any available 12-step. And I’ll soberly slur, “Get ’em in a program…”
When I’m starting to get wound up, Neil always cuts me off at the pass by boisterously yelling, “Get ’em in a program!” I laugh but also secretly still seethe at whomever I’m wishing would get in a program.
I decided that I’m going to teach a pretend seminar – with pretend books on tape to listen to. Today, on the walk to get coffee, a car almost hit Neil and I (people don’t like stop signs in our neighborhood) and I said to myself, “You gotta slow down, lady.” To which Neil said, “Chapter Two.” I decided that at my seminar, which is going to be heavily advertised on TV – begins the moment that you decide to take the seminar. If you find yourself digging my “I’ll tell ya right now” infomercial, magically someone appears at your doorstep with enough toiletries and changes of clothes (in your size) for 3 days and takes you. I haven’t worked out that part yet.
As I’m writing this, the season finale of Sex and the City is on, on TBS, in the background. Neil and I secretly enjoy this show – we leave it on when it comes on. Now, to me, the show is not a ‘comedy’, I don’t enjoy puns, but I love the relationship between the women and I think the last season is phenomenal with each woman growing up in her own way and ways that are totally realistic in some ways. I never watched the show when I lived in NYC because I was overwhelmed with NYC and overwhelmed with the show worship, so I sat it out.
Neil was just telling me that Mr. Big in real life is a super boozer and maniac, which I was making him stop, because I’ve never seen that guy in any other show, so to me, this weird guy with a chaffeur who always shows up and foots the bill and is uncomplicated and fun, exists.
The fucking point is that I just started saying to Neil that, “This season finale is one of the best…” And he said, “Yeah. It’s good. Except the voice-over wrapping it up is very Judy Blume.”
And then I just said that I agreed with him but I’m sick of the knee-jerk reaction that men (mostly comedians I know) have to the show and usually younger men – again, this does not include the puns, yes, those are bad…beyond that.
So I just said, “Well, anytime these virgins who’ve never had girlfriends want to experience dating a woman with cancer, or having a baby and learning how to buy a house, they’ll see what life really is..it’s not just a comedy show, it’s called LIFE.” To which Neil said, “Coming up next! on “I’ll tell ya right now.”
And then I realized that I’m preaching not only to the converted but about a now-defunct TV show that I’m not that invested in. I only got 3 hours sleep last night and I have to get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow.
Perhaps it’s time for America’s Best Seminar Teacher to call it a night.