Celebrity Round-Up (first and last edition)

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I’ve been spending 3 days with the TV and magazines since I’m sick with a head cold. Here is what I think about things.

I enjoy Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey as a couple and this is very selfless of me because I used to have a crush on Jim Carrey when he had his hair that certain way during Eternal Sunshine…She’s corny. He’s corny. They are both relatively attractive and I enjoy that her outfits have matured.

I watch the View a couple times a week. I like Rosie O’Donnell because she mentions her kids every five seconds and maybe, just maybe people who hate gays are slowly coming around or at least making an exception to not hating Rosie – it’s a start. If I had the energy I’d start a letter writing (with Anthrax) campaign to get that twit from that reality show off of the view. She’s horrible. I would never want to get trapped talking to her at a cocktail party, I’d hate if she was an audience member at my show. She’s such a feeble, frightened idiot always running into defend the Bush Crime Family.

I think that Katie Holmes has moved past the “help me” look of a damsel trapped in a castle and is now in the “numbing it out” part of her abduction and is starting to get more comfortable with her role as Mrs. Cruise.

I find it insanely weird that Brooke Shields is suddenly their best friend. There is no way there isn’t a pay-off or death threat involved. Now, when I read articles about why Brooke and Tom were once fighting, no magazine quotes the thing she said about, “Why doesn’t Tom fly away in a spaceship” or something. I think Scientology tried to stop that quote from still existing.

I love Kate Winslet. One of my favorite actresses and I think she’s a good role model but she is still an actress and that usually means she’s faulty at telling a “funny” story. She told a funny story on Letterman but continued to act soo shocked by it, laughing and laughing and yelling over the audience laughter, “I swear to God, this happened.” Yeah. No one believes that it didn’t. Swearing to God over and over makes it seem like you think the story is implausible which makes you seem naive and like you don’t understand why we are laughing, because the thing did happen.You just ruined the joke and your cred. What’s ‘the thing’ I’m talking about? I don’t know. I’m sick. I can’t remember.

Is Dreamgirls really going to be up for an Oscar? I keep hearing that? Does that make me racist or not understanding black culture? I’ll go see the movie but I hear all those standard lines like, “It’s a dream…to make it you have to break it, don’t fake it, who said it was gonna be easy, you’re a star, I can’t believe this is happening, etc.”

I wonder if Paris Hilton secretly makes fun of her new friend Britney Spears behind her back about her weight. I predict in a few months, Britney will be in the magazines with her, “Too skinny” photo. She’ll get help in a finding a nutrionist way, she’ll say things like “Being happy without Kevin, chasing her kids around, her body adjusting to post-baby-weight” keeps her thin.

And why do I torture myself with Studio 60? So what Matthew Perry’s character wanted to do a Xmas show? Why were the writers being so difficult and quoting how the North Star was really just a comet. Yeah. We all saw the History Channel special, does that mean that as a writer, you wouldn’t just write the dumb show. And they didn’t have snow becuase their warehouse is Fresno collapsed? It’s Hollywood! You can get fake snow. Don’t ask me how, I’m sick, remember? The stupid plot about how they never do a Christmas show because coming from L.A. it’s not believeable? WHAT? Every show is made in L.A. and there are always holiday shows and I don’t sit there going, “What a minute. Right outside that studio is palm tree. I don’t believe this!” Also those better have been actual out of work New Orleans jazz musicians on that stage or else I’m gonna think about being annoyed with Sorkin some more. I can’t write a letter because I have post-nasal drip.

Back to the couch and my propped up pillow arrangment.

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