Wednesday, November 15, 2006
It’s sort of happening to me. I wasn’t sure if it ever would. I didn’t really care if it ever did because there’s not much I can do about it anyway right now.
I got my period about four years later than everyone else, so why wouldn’t my interest in babies show up late too? I’ve always loved babies, the way I love kittens and string cheese and other adorable things. But I’ve never wanted my own. It’s not even that I wanted it and thought intellectually, “Oh not now.” I have no maternal instinct. I don’t want to be needed.
The other day my friend sent me pictures of his tiny little baby. This baby was decked out in some fine fleece blanket-wear and was swaddled up, and laying on the couch next to a big, fat black cat. What a life! My heart ached. I want this.
I even went so far as to say, “Neil. After we’re married and maybe in 6 years if I say I’ve changed my mind about the baby thing will you mind?”
He played along or does whatever he does to keep me occupied. It was decided. I WAS going to be a mom and with Democrats in the White House maybe, just maybe it was okay. Like, maybe the world won’t constantly be in a war or maybe we’ll slow down this global warming so I’m not just passing debt and dying Earth on to my kid.
I even had a dream that night that I was pregnant. It was so real. Just like my dreams I used to have where Kurt Cobain is sitting at the edge of my bed playing guitar and I swore I COULD FEEL the indent on the bed like someone was there. I felt pregnant in the dream. I woke up holding my stomach. In the dream I remember thinking, “I’m pregnant. This feels natural. I’m happy. I’m really learning. I’m really getting what’s important.” And then I had a panic attack in the dream and thought, ” I think I’m just thinking that these are the right things to think. I don’t want to be pregnant!” And then I woke up.
I called my friend who sent me the baby pictures. I told him that my biological clock had kicked in and he was the catalyst. I went on and on about the baby in the fleece blanket and that cute kitty and his silence made me realize. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohhhh. I don’t want a baby. I want to be a baby. And lay around with my arms bundled up and a kitty on hand. Yes. Because my friend said what you are doing? And I said, “I just walked out of the house to see what I feel like doing. I’m just walking.” And then I realized, “Oh, you can’t do that with a baby can you?”
Hmm. Biological clock needs some new batteries but I’m not going to change them just yet. And my friend told me that he heard on something, NPR, that by 2050, there won’t be any edible fish in the ocean. Superiorty towards others who have brought children into this hell-world, reactivated!
I love charity and recently I’ve turned into this blubbering bleeding heart sort of I won’t get into it too much, spiritual fanatic. And nothing has made me happier then sending money to certain charities and volunteering my time and etc. I want to do more and more and more. But I also want to perform and hold down jobs that pay the bills. The urge to help others rages on in me. And those sometimes moments when I sort of but not really contemplate motherhood are never as strong. Not even close. It just doesn’t feel like the right thing for me or what I want to do.
A friend told me that I’m just in my selfish phase right now. Oh. Thanks for the clarity. I’m so glad you know me better than I know myself. Pardon me, but I don’t think it’s either or. I’m not selfish to not have kids. I don’t do things that only serve me all day long. I’ve also never travelled really and I’m trying to overcome my severe arrested development, and until I do that (oh and have money and a marriage) I’d be a pretty shitty mom. I don’t see this stuff clearing up by the time my eggs are still around and even if it does…doesn’t mean I’m ready to rush into a baby. And the people that always tell me that I’m selfish are the ones downing 10 martinis on a Saturday night ‘getting it out of their system’ before they decide to get pregnant. I have that crap out of my system for a while now.
I would like to have a baby only so that I have a good excuse because I find that I hate attending parties lately and people never get why I want to leave. “I have yoga in the morning.” “Oh, screw that Jen. Party!” “I don’t want to. It will ruin my whole day tomorrow.” “Whooo!” Or when people want me to house-sit their hyper-active dog. “Sorry, I have a baby. I can’t leave my house or bring pets into mine.” Or drag my ass all around to my house and my boyfriends parents house on holidays. “Sorry everyone. The baby. You guys just have to come here.”
So maybe I’m selfish but I know that I don’t want to lug a stroller along with me as I worry about the non-edible fish of 2050.