I Forgot I Met Larry David

I was reading some article thing today about Curb Your Enthusiasm getting picked up for another season and thinking how much I like that show and how much Larry David is an idol of mine. He represents to me, what I hope is the future for me. A late bloomer. I always hear people that sort of knew him in NYC telling me that he put on showcases for industry in the afternoons at comedy clubs (this is like nearing age 40) and people really wouldn’t come and I’ve seen him on talk shows talking about bombing on stage a lot and I read a great New Yorker article on him, etc.

And then I remembered, “Oh yeah. I’ve met him.” I really just let that memory whiz by. I had an audition for Curb about, oh God, over a year ago now. Almost 2 years ago. It was January of 2005. It was for the episode where he thinks that lesbians really like him. This casting director that is nice to me, sent me in. I had blonde hair then, like white blonde and I was going in for the part of a Jewish girl who may or may not be gay. I didn’t really look the part. And it was that day I decided in the waiting room, with another faux blonde friend of mine, that I was going back to my roots!

Anyway, when you audition for Curb you have no idea what the episode is about. All I knew was that it was me and some chicks who were auditioning for older women parts and then lots of black guys. You get this strip of paper, like an oversized Fortune Cookie and it says, “You may or may not be a lesbian. Larry is your idol. He’s sort of annoyed by you. You want him to come to your dad’s wedding anniversary party.”

And then I had to go in and Improv with Larry and Jeff while the cast and writers looked on.

Larry explained to me that he and Jeff were in a restaurant and I was to walk up and interrupt. Larry told me that I was supposed to act sort of, like I couldn’t care less about Jeff.

I found it weird that we still have to keep up walls, because otherwise I would have looked insane but here I was standing near someone who I have decided means so much to me. And I wanted to say, “I’m sort of like you in a weird younger girl way, I mean maybe I’m not.” But what would he say, “Oh really? Well, let me take your word for it. I’d hate to see a nice kid like you struggle like I did. [He pulls out his billfold and his industry contacts.] What would you like? William Morris and maybe a couple thou in cash?”

So, I just stuck to the Improv. I walked over to Larry and we hugged. We hugged! Then I realized, I have a weird crush on this old man. I don’t even know what I mean. But if you have the chance to hug Larry David, do it and tell me if you don’t get shivers. So now I’m blushing, I can feel it because I can see the skin bubbling off my face out of the corner of my eye.

I continue the Improv. “It would mean a lot to me if you can come to my dad’s anniversary party! You can meet my boyfriend.” I threw that in so they could react on the “I thought she was a lesbian.” Jeff said something and I blew it off, per the instructions. And then I had to get to the part where it said, “Larry David is your idol”. It said it on the paper. So we wrap it up and I say, “Okay, Larry. Come to the party.” We hug again. I’m in love. Then I say, “Oh, I don’t want to bother you but I have a script and I’d love you to read it, I mean, it’s not finished, if you could give notes….”

Jeff starts to WALK AWAY. And Larry goes, “Nope. I don’t read them. Never read a script. Will not read a script. I’m not reading your script.” He’s smiling and nodding. I say something else. He says, “Okay. Thank you. Thanks. But no, I am not interested in your script. I’m sure you’ll do just fine. Writing it is the first start!”

Then the casting director ends the Improv. I honestly think, especially since Jeff walked away (indicating, scene over!) that Larry David thinks that I, the actor coming in, Jen Kirkman was saying, “Read my script” and not the Improv Character.

People laughed. Tension broke and Larry said, “Boy, it’s weird when real life meets Improv, meets real life again.” He smiles and nods at me, “Isn’t it weird? Or not weird?” And I say, “Oh. No. It’s weird.”

And I have NO IDEA what the hell was going on. Everyone was perfectly pleasant, congratulatory and lovely as they always are in auditions (not sarcasm) and I left and started shaking. I hugged Larry! And started blushing. I think he thinks I wanted him to read my script!

When I’m 59 and he’s being kept alive by a Hybrid vehicle that his wife invented and we finally sell our script together, I can tell this story on the talk show circuit.

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