The thing that’s gonna make me snap someday and run around the streets of L.A. rioting and looting is the fact that cashiers wont stop giving me change by handing me loose coins, on top of the bills. Is this a style that middle management has been teaching, that is supposed to be effective but is actually really out of touch with what the customer wants? I have a wallet; with a change purse. Hand me my bills and Ill grip them with my fingers and then I’ll open my palm to you. Put the coins in my palm. With my opposable thumb, I’ll grasp the change, protect it like a mother bird watching over her nest. I can’t, with a scalding hot coffee in my left hand, remove the coins, put them in my wallet without dropping the bills and causing us both to do an awkward retrieval, as you, the cashier, then make it worse by putting the coins back on top of the bills and all the while, The Next Customer In Line, is no longer in line, but standing next to me, with his fat hips and cell phone clipped on his belt bumping into my side, giving me a filthy look.
I didn’t get to be rated the Fastest Cashier at Roche Bros. grocery stores in Needham, MA in 1987 for nothing. Change first, bills second, or change second but not on top of bills. Receipt. Ask. In the bag? Do you even want it? And this all happened my friends, before the advent of scanners. Beep! Imagine how fast I was punching in those codes and prices: Broccoli 14, Apples (red, delicious) 28. I still remember. I know that our President was a C student who barely even earned those Cs and this is a point of pride for him and something that the average American can relate to. What if the Fastest Cashier were President? What kind of America would it be? I think a more efficient America and I don’t mean faster, we are going too fast already. Im still a hippie at heart, slow down maaan, instant karma and all that kind of shit. Just don’t put more in my hand, than I can handle. God doesn’t do it. Neither should you.
I know that George W’s, lack of trying, and industry, makes him so approachable to many of my fellow human beings. You all, “want to have a beer with him.” Yet, no one wants to have a beer with the Fastest Cashier, because you wont know what hit you. I’ll make you use a coaster, even on a grime-y dive-bar table. I won’t play that, “Let’s just pay for each others rounds, it’ll even out.” No. It won’t. Someone will get screwed. Your drink will be more expensive. I’ll have less and somehow I’ll end up on the odd round out, paying for two, being taken out for only one. Let’s just keep the tab separate and come to the bar with exact change, so we dont have to stand there any longer than necessary, wondering if the bartender thinks I just gave them a $20 to keep. I know it’s not as fun to have a beer with the Fastest Cashier, as a beer with a man who says, “I enjoyed myself in New Orleans. Sometimes too much. Heh heh.” But perhaps, if the Fastest Cashier were running things, response times would be quicker and no one would ever have to suffer dropping their change all over the counter at Starbucks, only to be looked at by The Next Customer In Line, as if i’ts you who are a klutz, and not the victim of bad cashiering.