Slightly Maim Them

I’m driving home on Saturday night, going North on Highland and I see suddenly what looks like two huge, enormous, SUV’s in the middle of the right lane. I’d have to get in the left lane to pass them but some drunk drivers were weaving beside me so I had to slow down and wait behind the SUV’s and then go into the left lane after all was clear.

These cars were huge, 5 door, part-van, part-SUV, not quite Hummer things. I slowed down and got a look. Two guys had stepped out of their running cars to high five, shake hands and smile and laugh. They then put their hazard lights on (oh the courtesy!) and leaned back against their again, running cars and had a conversation. No accident. Just wanted to talk. Did they pull over? No. They were in the middle of the road.

A sociological study was done once about men and how they ‘take up space’ subconsciously and women tend to want to be smaller, won’t use the whole seat on the subway, will keep their arms locked in, etc. But this goes beyond gender. This goes into a whole new realm of Complete American (Los Angeles) Asshole. Is this what people overseas are dying for? In a time of war, two people drive separately in huge SUV’s, leave them running in the middle of the road, guzzle, guzzle, so that they can have a conversation?

Why? Why isn’t it legal or morally sound for me to injure them at that point? Save the polluted air from two more SUV drivers and just run them over, not enough to kill but a little maiming so that when they see the scar on their knee they’ll always think of the girl who had to prove her point by running them over. And maybe they’d turn into better people.

I know I can’t just go preach at them. They’d never listen. And it would be in their natural instinct to argue back. That’s what we free-thinkers do. But if I maimed them slightly, they’d have so much recoup time, and they’d even perhaps find God or put it on their to-do list. Or maybe someone would bring them a New York Times, or on their diets of intravenous and apple sauce they wouldn’t have the stomach for anymore Us Weekly’s and they’d start listening, watching and caring about things other than “being dudes on Highland avenue.” And they would come around on their own terms and become Savers of the World. See? I would have helped.

Now this is terribly assumptive of me. Maybe they were holding their first Save the Earth meeting and what they were doing with the SUV’s running and the dangerous location of them, was sort of a guerilla theatre tactic, designed to get people like me angry and taking action. But then again, this is why guerilla theatre doesn’t work. It’s boring and it’s self indulgent. No one enjoys it but the “guerilla’s” themselves and while on a creative, artsy-fartsy spiritual level that may be grand, in real life, it’s sometimes important to affect others and not just annoy. And what is more effective than slightly maiming?


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