I never see my across-the-hall-neighbor. I did once and I thought he was an old man. But he is an older man, but not yet elderly.
He is always playing opera or loud classical music in his apt. that is filled with clutter. We’ve been walking into our doors at the same time lately and we now say, “Hi!” And I quickly scurry in my door. I’m not a talk to the neighbors type. Even when I have a nice house by the beach, I’ll ignore everyone. I’ll get to know them for neighborhood watch reasons but that’s about it.
Anyway, last night at the mailboxes my neighbor was there. I almost turned on my heel but he caught me. “When is Hugh Hefner gonna grow the fuck up?” He asked me. Decent Question. I said, “He’s pretty grown up, now, don’t you think?” Playing dumb, taking his question literally, evading more conversation.
He said, “Well, I mean, I’m getting these notices in my mailbox about Playboy. I know about Playboy. Did you know his casino in Chicago failed because the owner couldn’t speak English and relate to the bus boys?”
I didn’t know that. And what I wrote was an abridged version of a 4 minute story, ripe with names I’d never heard of, names I couldn’t inquire about because my blood sugar would have started dropping from going so long without water or food.
He continued, “How much sex can this man have? And all the women look the same.”
He lookd at me, “What are you an actress?”
I said my rehearsed building lie, “Oh no. I’m a web producer.” (Which I am but….come on.)
He said, “Ah. An intellectual type. I can tell. You don’t fall for this Soddom and Gomorrah with Indoor Plumbing that is LA.”
He went on to rail against Bush which I thought was strange – he always wears a baseball hat with an Eagle and the American Flag.
Anyway the whole point is that the whole time I’m getting to know my neighbor and how he thinks that Bob Guccione is a real artist, compared to Sophomoric Hugh. “I mean doesn’t the guy want to make any penance?”
I’m noticing that my neighbor has no teeth, just one on the bottom, somewhere on the left. He is wearing a black, see through mesh shirt. The whole time I can see his gut, his gray curly chest hair and pink nipples. He’s wearing tight black jeans with brown work boots. And he has a huge mustache.
I think the dude might be really old school gay.
He’s still new school creepy and I hope that’s the last of our conversations.