Dakota Fanning

I grew up in a fire and brimstone sort of household. My mom flirted with Apocolyptic Billy Graham ways. I always heard about End Times and the Anti-Christ and Signs of the Beast.

Well, I don’t believe in that stuff anymore, but when my mind wanders to it, I think “it’s probably George Bush Jr.” But now I realize how wrong I was.

The End Times are now and the leader of it is Dakota Fanning.

There is no fucking way she is a human being. I want to see medical records! I demand a living autopsy! Her eyes suck and are totally psycho.

If I birthed her, I’d be shimmying up the bed in my gown,trying to rip the umbilical cord myself, screaming, “No. No. Put it back! Get it away!”

If I was her Mom and she came up behind me in the kitchen and said, “Mommy, can I have a glass of water?” I’d drop all the dishes in my hands and run shrieking from the house into the field. My husband would have to have full responsibility for her care. I’d be nuzzling up against him at night…looking under the door for signs of her little feet in the hallway. “Honey, you can’t be scared of your own daughter,” he’d say. Eventually we’d divorce and I’d pray that he’d get full custody.

Not even the Robot on Small Wonder was this controlled. Dakota is clearly the first immortal/alien/human/hybrid. Ironic that she was in War of the Worlds? She and her leaders must have been winking to each other in secret code the whole time having a big laugh.

If she isn’t an alien, all I know is that she isn’t a little girl. So poised and just, psycho is the only word that comes to mind. She doesn’t seem like a kid trying to act grown up (like Drew Barrymore, who was the perfect child star, a child and a drunk and vulnerable and precocious and a good Letterman guest.). She seems fully grown up. Like those kids on Maury Povich who are actually elderly. But because she’s an alien hybrid she’ll never age.

You’ll see! She’ll be in movies in ten years and you’ll be like, “She’s still eight?”

And then the sky will fall and we’ll all burn while she laughs, her blonde hair somehow staying clean while the ashes fly.

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